11 May, 2007

Q: Do You Think My Mug is Sexxxy, Baby?!?

A: Definitely NOT, you ugly freak!

I have sat upon this written blog entry for weeks, and I didn't want to publish it due to my swollen ego. But I must be truthful to myself or, at the very least, truthful to you, my dear readers... So...

It has finally come down to this! I have now concluded that my (lack of) hair and my chubby physique are not entirely responsible for my ugliness quality.

The last area I would like to examine about myself is of course: My face...

Over the course my short life, I am presented with ample opportunities to study my own face in mirrors, window reflections, bus stop shelters, puddles of rain on the sidewalk, etc... And with a certain ape-like curiosity, I have objectively assess the good and bad attributes of my face. Now I would like to share with you these gleaming truths about my mug:

  1. I possess a striking set of cheek bones, well structured and well balanced relative to my face... Certainly I could be construed as having a beautiful bone structure.
  2. The jawline is very strong and square, very gritty and chiseled.
  3. The forehead above is expansive and distinctive, and the chin below is sharp and character-filled, framing my long face quite nicely.
  4. The nose is big, round and slightly crooked, not sharp at all. But it is quite tall and therefore kinda passable as "not bad".
  5. And sure, the eyes are hidden behind large folds of eyelids, giving me "chinky" eyes. But certain people finds it attractive. I certainly find Lucy very luscious indeed.
  6. And of course I discovered that "...I'm so vain, I probably think this blog is about me... I'm so waaainn... I probably think this blog is about meeee, don't I, don't I?"

Seriously, I know I am ugly but not nearly as ugly as I like to imagine myself to be. Like most other vain person in the world, given the proper lighting and ample makeup, viewed from a good angle, wearing the right clothing, apply a good dosage of air-brushing... I can definitely be confused as being a half-decent looking man:

Half-decent... no?

BUT... there is something that is definitely not right about my face... Something that would cause women all over the globe to shun me as a completely unattractive man... Something I was not aware of until its existence was cruelly revealed to me a year ago by an Orthodontist... Something that has since prompted my sister to refer to me as "the man who have missed the last step of evolution"...

That's right: I have BIG ARSE TEETH!!

Like a fair proportion of other Asians descendants, I display symptoms of Maxillary Prognathism or commonly referred to as an overbite. My siblings has it. My dad has it. His siblings has it. It runs in the family...

So what this really mean is: I have massively huge teeth that poke out of my gob like mushrooms springing out of a pile of steaming cow turd.

Cow turd... no?

My bite line protrudes so prodigiously far from my face, I can truly say that my bite is worst than my bark... :-3

Strangely, this gaunt of mine doesn't make me look like a dog. Rather it gives me a strange duck-bill like face:

Duck-bill... no?

Suffice to say, I am not good looking... Even worst, I am shallow and I am not good looking, which compounds my self-loathing... Hmm...

But at least now I can be satisfied in proclaiming to the world... Aye, I am one ugly bastard... I can accept that women do not find me attractive at all... and I do not have to die wondering why most gay men score more chicks than I do.

Maybe I should turn gay instead... :-D


** This should be the last depressing blog entry I write that derides myself as an ugly pudding. I will try picking on other people for a change next time... I promise... Stay tuned!


gl said...

Hey dude,

I think you are focusing too much about your own physical appearance. I admit that good looking is a factor, but haven't you seen some ordinary-looking ppl also gets a happy relationship too? Maybe you can try to improve and upgrade yourself with new hobbies or pick up a course to do. The beauty of a person lies within one's heart. If you try to improve on inner beauty, your true beauty will radiant itself out, and you will become a much more confident and beautiful person, and ppl can feel that aura around you.

As a plus, chix prefer someone who is happy about their own self and also likes someone who makes them laugh. So be positive!

Gord said...

Thanks for the advise GL...

"haven't you seen some ordinary-looking ppl also gets a happy relationship too?"

that is true...

the problem is I won't willy-nilly settle into a relationship just for the sake of a relationship. Like you, I usually aim for the good looking girls, the ones that are completely and utterly out of my league, and I am not having any success there.

I am a funny guy, I make people laugh all the time. That is the whole point of this blog, light entertainment and comedy (and honesty too).

But for some reason good looking girls aren't into that "sense of humour" kind of stuff.

They seem to enjoy guys that are more good looking than they are. And guys that have a propensity towards outward show of wealth. This is a generalisation of course, but the empirical evidences stacks in favour of that statement.

Unfortunately, I am kinda well off but I dont show it. I am half decent looking but I don't flaunt it. That is my problem, NOT because I don't have a hobby.

gl said...

haha... I mean "haven't you seen those lucky bastards also gets hot chix too?"

I've seen some myself. I think if you are patient enough to hang around with them for a long time (such as going to classes or work), eventually they seen you there everyday, they will get used to you all the time, and then you will have a better chance. Handsome guys have the advantage but then have a particular personality interests them just as much.

Anonymous said...

I just thought I might add a bit in here too... I think you should be positive about yourself and that might portray a better image to the ladies. Relationships are not always the ideal situation to be in, sometimes having a great group of friends that you can trust and count on may be better than a significant other. You pour your heart out on your blog so why do you need someone that can make you do things they want and not what you wnat?

Gord said...

Thanks for the comments Anon.

I guess me spilling my guts on my blog is not ideal advertisement to the ladies.

I know I am NOT that bad looking, I know that in my hearts of hearts. I just like to berate myself in public because I am not afraid of any repercussions.

The entire purpose of this Blog is to make people laugh. And because I am an average comedian that lacks any solid material, shooting myself down hopefully makes people laugh which (in a twisted way) boosts my self-esteem.

Thanks for your comment Anon, I appreciate it...