27 March, 2007

Q: Do You Think My Booty is Sexxxy, Sugar?!?

A: No, not really...

So where was I up to? Oh yeah, that's right...

Let's establish what we have learnt about me so far:

1. Through empirical evidences, we are able to establish that I am unable to attract any women's attention or affection. Simple.

2. Through careful observations, we can rule out that my (lack of) hair makes me any less appealing to the lasses. For example, Justin Timberlake may have a closely clipped mane but according to all sources, he is bringing the SexyBack...... um... whatever that is...

So lemmesee now? How shall I further scrutinise and berate myself? Hmm... Let's continue with my badly moulded jelly body, shall we?

I am a man who has been in and out of gyms and dojos for most of my adult life, and I do work hard at building my strength and stamina up to an acceptable standard. Yet I am nowhere close to bringing the SexyBack to anywhere anytime soon... (can someone please explain to me what the f**k is a SexyBack?!?)

Don't get me wrong, I am not a grotesquely shaped lard tub, but I am not exactly cut either. Like most men, I slide somewhere haphazardly in between Mr. Wahlberg and Mr. Bean:

Now that is a vomit-inducing thought if there ever is one... x-s

So what is it about my body that is so lacking in HAWT-ness? Let me count the ways:

  1. I have arms that resembles wet spaghetti... You might ask me, I work out in a gym, right? I should have arms that looks like sausage skins stuff full of boulders, right? Wrong!!

    No matter how much I train, my forearm remains spindly, biceps stringy and my triceps are non-existent. For a guy of my frame, they are quite pathetic really.
  2. Seriously, I have a set of the perkiest man-boobs ever... Whenever I go to the beach with various friends, they often plead with me to leave my shirt on, I think because they think the sight of my puffy-glands might cause whales beaching or something.

    They are, I must admit, very embarrassing.

    (On a side note, if I ever convert to Islam, I reckon my religious name should be Maanboobs el Tittiz... or something like that...)
  3. I am lucky to be gifted with naturally well built quads and calves... but they are attached to the flabbiest arse-cheeks on this side of the cosmos. I mean, they are like jello on a warm summer day.

    No pair of pants or jeans can properly fit around it. No amount of jogging or cycling can whip it into shape. Every time I walk around a corner, I must check my blind spot to make sure I don't swipe someone off the road. They are massive! HUGE!

Having said all that, does my body actually causes girls to be not attracted to me? Hmm...

I believe the answer is "no, not really".

Quite rightly, my boobs are rather unsightly at the beach, but safely tucked under a shirt they are less hazardous to the general public. And sure my arms looks like sticks and my arse like rotting melons, but I do think my general frame is a relatively lean and healthy one.

My body is an ongoing project, it is not at all perfect (and it never will be) but I am making good progress sculpting it. Compared to most blokes, I am in good shape.

Which doesn't answer my original question, "Why aren't I attractive?"...

to be continued...


ln said...

your whinning is too long and your topless picture scares me.
I don't know what your exact problem is (your fault- refers to the long whinning comments) but I'm going to offers some solutions anyways :)

1. Go for blind chicks, what they don't see wouldn't hurt them.

2. Go for drunk/alcoholic chicks, beer goggle is a godsend for all men.

3. Go for fat chicks, they can't complain cause it would be like a pig calling a hippo fat.

4. Go for gold diggers, they don't care what you look like. This could be achieve by travel to a 3rd world country, the exchange rate will make you an instant millionaire.

5. Go for older chicks...the older they are the more desperate they get. Aim for 40 years old + ...I could get into a lot of trouble here...you know what I mean... :)

with so many options available I don't really know what you are complaining about :)

gnaphos said...

I think it is well established that I am immune to anything such as goa??? or tub????, but somehow your topless photo can somehow raise my discomfort level. FYI, Joe's RateMyVomit rejected my photo as too disgusting few weeks ago. :)

Gord said...


Option 4 sounds the most viable, but I am too cheap to travel oversea to be an instant millionaire :-p

ln said...
your topless picture scares me.

gnaphos said...
somehow your topless photo can somehow raise my discomfort level.

You two obviously feel compelled to ogle at my photo, now both of you are questioning your sexual preferences... it is understandable :-)