Really Really Horny

This is just too funny to ignore:

Man Masturbate Unabated...
After Being Stabbed with Kitchen Knife!!

I am not sure this is a clever marketing campaign by the Colombian drug cartel or the bloke was just having an extremely bad case of Blue Balls...

Unwanted Erection or Excellent PR?

OK, first read this article from Forbes (A business mag no less?!?) about:

Man Sues Over Long-Lasting Erection

So the story goes, that this dude drank this magical energy drink and he is now packing heat 24/7... Right?!?...

Now I am no marketing genius, but I am guessing that if I want to sell a generic product, any generic product, *very fast* I would probably want to claim that said product can help you:

• make your kids love you,
• make your neighbours envy you,
• lose weight,
• gain muscle,
• grow you more hair,
• lose you more hair,
• reduce wrinkles,
• fight aging,
• lift your butt,
• tone your abs,
• give you bigger cleavage,
• give you a longer lasting erection,
• give you ten mind-altering orgasms,
• in a row,
• over a five hours period,
• and for a limited time only, it comes with this *FREE* Snoopy collectible doll...
• HURRY!!! Don't miss out or your kids will hate YOU!!

Seriously, this product will sell like hot crack in prison.

If however, you can only claim any one of the above bullshit, the "longer lasting erection" one will do quite well as a marketing ploy. Case in point: Viagra + Oysters = Resonating Crescendo Hype...

So if I am marketing this herbal drinks "Boost Plus" and some bloke comes along saying: "Hey, I want to sue your company for giving me a never ending erection", I'll be saying: "Sir, please wait while we increase our factory manufacturing output, because I am sure as hell we won't be able to meet the flooding demands... By the way would you like us to pay your legal fees while we are at it?"

Diamonds are Nobody's Best Friend

Diamonds: beside from enslaving children, funding civil wars, helping global terrorism and being used as the tool for defrauding millions of lovestruck couples, it seems diamonds have found a new way to antagonise mankind.

You see, diamonds can now tear you a new arsehole!... Literally!

The Ritz-Carlton Hotel in Tokyo have the brilliant idea to concoct up a new cocktail called the "Diamond-tini":

...a cocktail with a hint of lime and chilled Belvedere vodka over a 1.06-carat stone, is topping the Ritz-Carlton beverage menu at a cool 1.8 million yen (US$15,000).

That price includes drink preparations table side, a serenade of "Diamonds are Forever" as a cut stone slides to the martini glass bottom, and later a ring mounting by a local jeweller.

I know you ain't supposed to nibble on the damn rock like it is a stuffed olive. But imagine what if your special someone purchase this drink as an engagement present for you. In your excitement at this flagrant show of wealth (and wastefulness), forgotten about the stupid stone at the bottom of the glass and down the whole bloody drink straight.

So imagine the pain and suffering the next six hours will bring, as the sharp edged stone is travelling pass your stomach and dredging through to the small and big intestine. The jewel will be slicing and dicing up all the soft squishy tissues wall of your digestive system, poisoning your blood with fecal matter, before arriving at your rectum to tear you a new arsehole.

Happy Engagement, Baby!!

...

Remember kids, when in comes to diamonds, JUST SAY NO!!

"Can I have a packet of Understanding(R) and some fries with that?"

I am sure most of us in Australia have seen the ads for the Insurance company Australian Pensioners Insurance Agency or APIA, where their major selling point is that they don't just do insurance but they also flog off "Understanding(R)" as well.

Um, OK... so would you reckon I could pop into their office and order up a big serving of that world famous Understanding(R)? or do you think I 'd have get that as a side dish along with one of their policy papers?

I wonder what is the secret 11 herb-and-spices that they put into this mythical Understanding(R)? Is that the reason they had it registered it as their trademark? Maybe if it is not registered then other insurance vendors can offer up the same dollop of meaningless marketing crap...

Ahhh, marketing departments, you just gotta love them...