07 February, 2007

The Case for the Accused

Dear God,

This is Reverend Ted Haggard speaking, your humble servant and popular televangelist personality. You may have seen me in a few TV sermon special such as "The Light of Love: Shining Where the Sun don't Shine" and "The Fall of Sodom: Choir Boys Swimsuit Reenactment Special".

I am praying to You to proclaim my eternal love for Your holiness, my savior... Yo my main man, Dawg... also I want to state for the record that I am in no way a homosexual. No-sir-ree. I am "completely heterosexual". Yes-sir-ree.

You see, all that business with that man-whore, that shit is in the past... ancient history. God, just because I was paying him big bucks for the pleasure of smacking his sweet round rump for three years, that don't make me no pillow biter. No way man, I was just "acting-out situations" and cosplay and stuff. It wasn't a "constant thing" at all. It's more like an in-and-out kinda thing.

Besides, it was just the one dude. I mean if I walloped the entire Denver Bronco offensive line then, yeah, that would be pretty gay. But it was just the one male prostitute, You can't accuse me of being no homo, right?

To top it off, I was suffering from a bad case of "sexual immorality" at the time... you know, for the last three years. All I need was to attend "three weeks of intensive counselling", took a couple aspirin and hey presto, I feel all better already. I haven't even thought about tapping any big sweaty blokes for, like... 48 hours, totally... I swear... Honest to You!

Oh my Lord, I am all cured and shit! Praise Your name! It's a Mee-Ra-Kle!

(Boy, I need) Amen...

(Did I say that out loud??)

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